His ashes came today.
And my heart is breaking all over again.
Watson.

Brave

Dear Scotty,
You are such an amazing (and handsome) young man.
I know it's just how October falls on the calendar, but you have to go through your birthday first.
And you do it so well.
You are a man of few words, but she loved that about you; the strong, silent, ever knowing type.
I love you kid, I could never ask for a more amazing and wonderful brother.
Happy Birthday, you are growing up into a fine man, she's so proud of you, you know.
And so am I.

10-25-1992>> One of the best days of my life.

You'll be there with me.

Today, I went to the Oregon Coast.
Watson was right there with me.
My little shadow, just protecting, just loving. Me. He was there with me today, he always will be.

"Hey soul sister!"

Just walking in this shell of a body.
Unsure of things now. Confidence lacking.
Emotions tied to music, not feeling, not caring.
Sad, angry, alone, depressed.
Without a mom. Without a loyal canine.
Just living until I can't anymore.
But, still refusing to give up.

Little westipoo...I'm lonely.
There are crumbs from my saltine crackers you need to nibble on.
Homework is much more daunting without you snuggled up against me.
I am more envious then happy for the people I see holding their dogs tight.
I still can't think about you without being sad.
Wattybah, I love you little man.

He'll greet me when I get There...

I had really hoped a miracle would happen. But Watson...is gone. God, you have really taken him Home haven't you? My heart is breaking all over again. There is truly no pain like the pain you feel when you lose someone you love and care about so deeply. I will continue to praise you anyway Lord. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sending him to me. I will treasure every memory. Thank you Watty. I love you so much.

WATSON!! :'(

This morning when I woke up my west highland white terrier was being extra lovey. More kisses, more tail wagging, more snuggles and love. We had breakfast together, we sat and read together. Then he wanted to go outside like always. I opened the door, he ran out, poked his little head back in and looked at me. I smiled. And that was the last time I saw my Watson alive.
My westie was hit by a car today...

DENNIS!!

I haven't seen this friend of mine in 6 years. I'm SO glad he's here for a visit. I've missed him so much. He was the german exchange student that our neighbors down the street were the host family for, and he also went to HHS, and of course we clicked and became really good friends. Unfortunately, he and his host family wanted him to stay here in the USA. And it looked like it was going to happen. Until his mother interfered. And I never saw him again. Until NOW!

Dennis, he's been missed. Because he's part of my family too. (:

I'm sorry mom.

Today was amazing.

I have a long road ahead.

But it will all work out.

Because anything and everything is possible with God.

peppermint tea and mama hugs

Thank you mama.
For making sure there would be women who would share their motherly love with me if needed.
For instilling in me the wonders of our Lord and Savior.
When in my time of pain and sorrow when I reach for you when you cannot come anymore; He is there.
Thank you mom's for your 6th sense when a child you care for needs you.
Thank you for love, cool water, and late night phone calls.
And staying on the phone till I fall asleep.
Thank you Heavenly Father for never abandoning me.

Just got back from an awesome fun-filled weekend at your dads with Scotty.
I've missed spending time with him mom, and I'm really glad dad decided to let us go and have it just be us. We siblings had a lot of catching up to do.
I'm really going to miss him when I move to California.
You and dad did a good job mama, even now, Scotty and I are still the best of friends. :)

Autumn Time.

The leaves are changing colors. So is the sky, and the days are getting shorter again. Well, they have been for awhile, but this is the season where we all start to notice. I don't particularly have a favorite season per say. I think they are all great in their own way. And they all have certain things about them that suck. Eg; fall = school. Winter = too much snow. (living in Ellesnburg does that to you.) Spring = lots and lots of rain if you're a Seattle-ite.) And summer, (especially last summer) is too freaking hot. But I am a huge fan of Autumn and all of it's beautiful warm and rich vibrant colors.

Once again.

You are remembered and missed.
And this still isn't normal to me.
Who really gets into the swing of not having a mom?
That's what I thought, no one.
Today I remember, miss, and love you.

Thank you for the shooting star mama.
I love you.

Today we Remember

Those we lost today 8 years ago.
A day that our country came together.
Today we also take time to remember...
...not just those lost in the towers, but
Anyone we have might lost over the years.

We remember.
And I remember you.

CITs!!

Boom-dee-ada.

You are sailing down the Hood Canal now.
Farewell, I love you.

O're the waters...

Dear mama, I'm finally going back to Robbinswold I can't wait.
What an emotional experience it is going to be.
I wonder if I will find the letter you tucked away at Barnacle Bay for me.
I will see you there.
I love you mom.

[Update!!]

Mama!! I made it to P. Point! You were there with the seals just waiting for me weren't you? Yep, I know mom, I know. (:

tomato

today i drank tomato juice with my lunch.
i was sitting at the dining room table enjoying the view out of the sunroom.
the crystal blue of the sound. the sparkling water like tiny crystals.
smiling at the picture of you on the mantle.
i took a sip of the juice and breathed in the strong scent of tomatoes.
and suddenly i was back in 2004-back from camp and you and i were outside together.
sitting out on the gazebo deck sipping lemonade, scotty swinging in the hammock nearby.
frosty and bruno running around the neighborhood and dad at Costco no doubt.
and your cherry tomatoes in a delicious salad you prepared for us. yumm.
you and i laughing and chatting and catching up like best friends do.
enjoying the company like moms and daughters do.

and then...the memory was over.
aug. 22nd 09: you have been gone for 13 months.
perhaps that's why you sent me a memory today.
thank you mama.

Today I am smiling.
I have laughed, screamed, smiled, lived.
Today I remember what it's like to be happy again.

I love you mom. (In Loving Memory)

Here we go. I've put my heart and soul into this vid. Pretty much like I do with all of my work that relates to my mama. I miss her something terrible and I'm sure after this loads, I'll have a good long cry. I love you mama, this one's for you.

There is a way out.

I see the path, from this dark place.
I see my future.

I want a mom. My mom.

It's funny how the lyrics of a song can grasp your soul and really speak to you. It's even amazing how some of those certain songs have a way of finding you when you didn't you were looking. I've never heard this song before. (That's not saying much though haha.) It really got to me yesterday though when I first heard it and listened to the lyrics. I love words. It made me angry. It made me sad. It made me jealous. It made me remember. Today, August 16, is the birthday of one of my mom's dearest friends who is also having a really hard time without my mom. She raised her family with the same morals and understanding like mine. And she always looked to my mom for guidance. I love Kimberly, though she has her own family, se promised my mama as she was passing away that she would look out for my brother and I. And she certainly has. So, while I do not have my mom down here on earth, I have an earth mom that loves me very much. Though there is nothings like your own mother, mine just isn't here anymore. But she's the best guardian angel I could ever ask for. So I have a mom and and angel mom. One mom watches the rainbows with me, while the other one makes them. :)
So here's to you Kimberly. I love you very much. Happy Birthday!
And to you mama. I love you so much. This song. These lyrics are for you. I miss you.

"I want a mom that will last forever. I want a mom to make it all better
I want a mom that will last forever. I want a mom who will love me whatever

I want a mom to take my hand. And make me feel like a holiday
A mom to tuck me in that night and chase the monsters away
I want a mom that'll read me stories And sing a lullaby.
And if I have a bad dream to hold me when I cry

I want a mom that will last forever. I want a mom to make it all better
I want a mom that will last forever. I want a mom that will love me whatever, forever

When she says to me, she will always be there. To watch and protect me I don't have to be scared
Oh, and when she says to me I will always love you. I won't need to worry 'cause I know that it's true

I want a mom when I get lonely. Who will take the time to play
A mom who can be a friend and a rainbow when it's gray
I want a mom to read me stories And sing a lullaby
And if I have a bad dream, to hold me when I cry

I want a mom that will last forever. I want a mom to make it all better
I want a mom that will last forever. I want a mom that will love me whatever, forever."

I want my mom...
But I do have one. A few actually. And they will be there for me until mine will take me up in her arms for eternity and never let me go. Never again.