One more.

Today, a friend of mine asked me: Do you ever wish you could bring your mom back for a day? What would you do?

That’s funny I was just talking about that today with my dad and brother. I would LOVE to have one more day with her. I would just want it to be me and her, sitting up on her bed staring out at the view of the water and talking to her and with her about EVERYTHING. I would take TONS of pictures with her, and video tape the 2 of us, and record her voice, that’s what you miss you know, their voice. I’d also just want time to nap, you know like when I was a child, just lay in her arms and have her run her fingers through my hair while I rest my head on her chest and listen to her heart beat, how I miss that sound. It’d be a great day, of course I’d be sure to let her know how much I love her and how much she does, and will always mean to me.
Oh, just one more day, one more day of just me and my mom, hearing her say "I love you baby." having her remember me, seeing her long golden hair, her shining emerald eyes, full of life again, feeling her worn, strong, artistic steady hands, hearing her voice and being wrapped in her safe, safe arms. I'd make her watch "ELF" with me too. Oh favorite movie. :)
Not having to have her slip away into a coma, but just slip away into a beautiful white light...not having her forget who I am, having my MOM back just one more time.
Christmas, how I loathe you, you son of a bitch. :P
I know if I ever got one more day with her, I'd just want another one, but for now, I'd take even a minute. Life without her is getting harder, not easier.

The Soul Search begins again

Dear mama,

Please be with me when, during, and as I reach my destination. I am leaving for Ellensburg for the first time since you've passed away and I will miss you whilst on my journey desperately. I remember the first time I drove to the 'Burg by myself, do you? You bought me chains for my tires that day, and drove in your van in front of me, showing me the way to the 405 entrance. I was so nervous, as you pulled over and pointed the way out to me I remember driving by you and waving hysterically and you waving back mouthing the words, "I love you!" it was so hard leaving you, all I wanted to do was look back, but I had the road to watch. Though spring had sprung, there was (of course) still snow on the pass and it was a bit hard, and a tad scary by myself, but then I noticed that I had a new voicemail, so of course I listened to it, and it was from you. I wish I had tried harder to hold onto it, who knew it would become so important now? But I will never forget the gist of it, "Hey kiddo, have a great and safe drive. Call me when you get there okay? You looked nervous, but you are one tough cookie, you had nothing but determination written all over your face. I'm so proud of you. Alright, I love you. Bye bye."

I love you too mom. 

More then you will ever know.