A new year. A new end.

Today is December 31, 2008. The last day of the old year.
I remember that on this day last year, my mama said,
"Don't worry sweet heart, 2008 will be a great year."
But if that's the case then, why did she die?
I dread the New Year, but I don't know how it can get any worse.
But it's not exactly getting any better either.
I don't know, I just don't want to lose anyone else that I love.

With a broken heart I say good bye to the old year.
And prepare to step into the new one, and the first one...of many.
Without my mom,
Hello 2009, I won't let you crush my spirit.
Cause you'll have to answer to my mama if you do.

Dearest cousin Lerin,

I love you dearly.
We have too much fun together. :)
You make me smile when my heart is hurting.
I love you cousin.

12-26-1987

Today, 21 years ago, I was born.
Today, 21 years ago, I was saved before I knew I needed to be.
Today, 21 years ago, my parents knew they would love me for the rest of my life.
And theirs.
Today, 21 years later, one of them is missing.
And today, I didn't think she'd be gone.
No more mama birthdays; homemade cake that people talk about for weeks after my party.
The amazing transformation of our house into a Christmas wonderland.
The tree lit and glowing in the night, the whole house looking like it came directly out of a Christmas catalog that would put even Martha Stuart to shame.

Happy Birthday to me? No, it doesn't feel like it.
Maybe next year will be a bit easier. Maybe.

Merry Christmas?

Christmas Prayer from Heaven
I see the countless Christmas trees
Around the world below,
With tiny lights, like heaven’s stars
Reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular!
Please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.

I know how much you miss me.
I see the pain inside your heart,
For I am spending Christmas
With Jesus, yet apart.

I can’t tell you of the splendor
Or the peace here in this place.
Can you just imagine Christmas
With our Savior, face to face?

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear,
But the sound of music can’t compare
With the Christmas choir up here.

I’ll ask Him to fight for your spirit
As I tell Him of your love,
So pray for one another
As you lift your eyes above.

Please let your heart be joyful
And let your spirit sing,
For I’m spending Christmas in heaven
And I’m walking with the King!

Aloha!!

The boys and I are heading out tomorrow.
MAUI!
See ya later, Merry Christmas!

Finally sold mom's van yesterday.
It was a really weird feeling watching someone else drive her car away.
Now there's only 3 cars in the driveway instead of 4.
-sigh-
It's just another reality check that she's gone.
Bye VANessa!

The way I see it.

I am REALLY tired of death!
I really thought the death of people I knew or loved or the loved ones of those I know and love would cease for awhile.
I was terribly mistaken.
And lets not forget that 2 of my favorite actors passed away this summer/fall too!
Oh Bernie Mac and Paul Newman, you guys totally kicked ass.
Today one of my dear friends lost her son quite suddenly. My heart aches for her. :(

Annette Klosterman
Ellie Painter a cute 3 year old I took care of last year that lost her battle to leukemia
Jeannie Anderson
Keith Luksan
Father & Son: Jack & John Store
The 'Dick's Camera' guy who always gave us kids hugs after Sunday school and our 1st Bibles
Richard McEachern
Sandy Montgomery
Jean Nolan who first start Goody Gumdrops in Old Burien
and Richard Dunn

That's way too many I know in the course of a year, and wouldn't ya know it, the one person I really want to talk to is number 3 on the list. Sad times, and so close to Christmas...and my stupid birthday.

Magic

Saw the Nutcracker today with Jana and Heather. YAY!
It becomes more magical and beautiful every time I see it.
And I know my mom was watchin' it right there with me. <3

At the edge...

the ocean waves rage on
like the beating of my broken heart
as it rushes and gushes in turmoil, searching,
but never getting past the shore
the ocean...
it's sea foam green like the color of your eyes
and I stand at it's edge asking it to take me too
but you won't let the waves grant me my wish
and there on the coast all I can do is watch
as the tide carries away my memories of you
i love you.
mom

A woman in Seattle gets trampled to death on Black Friday.
No one tries to help her.
People don't move so EMS can get to her in time.
Now they are being charger with man slaughter.

I worry for mankind.
lt saddens me.