12-25-1992

Happy 16th Birthday Scotty!

I know our mom is SO proud of you.
And wishes she were here with you today.
I love you.

Dear Mama,

I miss you.

Change

I've always hated change. It drove my mama crazy, but I couldn't and can't stand when things I'm comfortable with, and the way I know how life is, suddenly changes. Like when I'd have to go to camp. Hated it. Coming home from camp. Hated it. Same with college, swim team, work, you get the point.

My mom dying? That's NOT a change I have come to terms with, nor do I think I ever will. I found strength and stability and comfort at church. These people are my 2nd family and I feel safe there. But today marked a very big change. Pastor Chris Twitman led his last sermon today. Saying good-bye to him and wishing him luck before he left for California was SO hard. I just can't believe it! He was such a big encouragement after the death of my mom, and I was just getting to know him, like really know him, and today I had to say good-bye. 

I don't understand any of these changes that I'm stuck going through, granted I do enjoy some change. Okay, maybe it's not the change part. No.

You know what the hard part is mama? Saying good-bye.

Good-bye Pastor Chris! We will miss you!

So this is how it's gonna be...

For the rest of my life.

What if I live to be 80? 

That's 60 years without you!!

Everyone says not to think about that.

But how can I not?

How can I not think about that when we both thought we'd have much more time together.

I don't want to live that long without you.

I want you to come back mama.

Please come back, just for a quick visit?

I love you!

Where are you mama?

No, I know where you are.

Doesn't mean I miss you any less however.

I miss you mom.

Your touch. Your hugs and kisses. Your advice. Your safe embrace when I need to cry. Your steady unwavering support in everything I do. Your steady, unconditional love. I miss your voice mama. I miss hearing you say, "I love you sweetie."

"Know that I'm with you. I'm with you all the time."

I know you are, you always will be, I just wished with all my heart and soul, you were here.

I love you mama, always and forever.

Crash & Burn: Grief seems never ending.

She passed away on July 22, 2008.

Too soon, too early, too young.

I do not understand God's plan, nor do I think I will ever.

Not in this lifetime anyways.

But life without my mom is just so hard. So lonely. So...not right.

I thought I was ready. We all thought we were ready.

The cancer...she needed to be set free. Free of the pain, and the suffering.

But once she slipped away, and the house has been quiet, and there are no more cookies backing in the oven after school, no more "just because I love you" gifts left in the morning, no more hugs, and no more "I love you"'s.

Because of all this, and knowing this will be my life till I join her again, I can't help but want to bow my head and cry.

Because no, I'm not ready for any of this.

Time will tell.

today was amazing.
I have not had a day so carefree, so moving, so 'it's-great-to-be-alive' kind of day since my mom died.
god it's so hard without my mom, and even harder when my number of friends has gone to 3/4's less then what i used to have, but. well, the ones that have been there for me through all of this...they're the ones that matter most. :)
it's so amazing to hear the words, "you're just like your mother."