Good conversations.

Today as I walked along the marina after visiting with good friends, I passed 2 young boys. This was their conversation,
Boy 1: "Your mom lied to you. We don't see our pets in Heaven."
Boy 2: "So I won't see my kitty...again?"
Boy 1: "Nope."
Insert tears from Boy 2. Stupid kids. Stupid humans, why are we all so mean to one another? However, there is hope. And tonight, the hope I needed came in the form of my dad. I told him of this conversation I overheard and what he said next was like my mom was herself was sitting in the room. And note; my dad's faith in the Lord has been very rocky. Lets face it, he has every right for that. [I cannot imagine losing the love of my life to a killer (cancer) I could not protect them from. So my dad has been truly amazing.]
"They say that when we get to Heaven; people will know more happiness then they ever knew here on earth. And pets make us happy. So, there is no reason, our pets won't be there to greet us when we get there."
Isn't my dad cool? Those words were just what I needed, the fact that the words just came so freely. Do you remember when you were a child and everything your parents did and said was amazing to you? That was my experience tonight. What a great moment. I love my dad.

Let it heal

I am usually the last person whose a fan of Halloween. I do not like violence, horror, gore, I don't like scary movies' I hate them. I have the artistic mind that can't shake things easily. I usually hate the cold damp night that Halloween is up here in Seattle. The carved pumpkins are already getting mushy, and it's so cold the trick-or-treaters have to wear jackets over their costumes and that spoils the fun. But today has been gorgeous. Golden actually. The sun came out and people were happy. I saw a westie today on a walk with his owner. So cute. So happy, waddling around with his little head and tail held high, and the girl walking him and sometimes just carrying simply because of the obvious love she has for her dog. And I silently watched them walk by right as they both happened to look at one another. And there it was. Nothing. But. Love. Oh the girl and her westie; there's no friendship like it.

And the heart heals.

A little bit of therapy goes a long way...

'Retail Therapy' that is.
Mom loved it. Dad hates it. I enjoy it. The sound of plastic and the 'cha-ching' of the register. Two sounds I like to hear. Don't hate. Don't judge. Everyone has some sort of guilty pleasure. I am [obviously] no exception. To each their own, when you are grieving just try to do something that makes you happy.

Nothing in my life seems to be going the right way. Which, in reality is bull crap, because I actually have quite a lot going for me. I know this. I've been told this. I've also been told to stop having this 'pity party' and that make my blood boil. I'm only human, we are all that way to some extent. But, I know in my heart of hearts, that I should.
"I'm here on the edge again, I wish I could let it go..."

I know when I am in trouble, when I am hurting, when I am afraid and feel like my world is crashing down on me-turn to God. He is the way, the truth and the light. He gives and takes away and loves us unconditionally, even when we do not love Him. But boy, does He ever take away. I must say I truly hate Him right now. Losing Watson opened up the [once] healing wound from the loss of my mama, and I feel the pain and dispair all over again. I hate Him. I do, but yet, I really need Him.
"All my agony fades away, when you hold me in your embrace..."

I have learned that the world is just truly cruel and evil. And it feels like I'm drowning, I'm suffering. Like there's no way out. I mean, how unfair is it that someone can be so hurt, lose so much, have so much loss in their life and look out their window and see that the rest of the worls has kept going.
"Don't tear me down, for all I need.
Make my heart a better place.
Give me something I can believe.
Don't tear it down, what's left of me.
Make my heart a better place..."

The world does not care that you hurt. People may not care that you hurt. But know this, no one is ever alone. I know this, I cherish it, and I hold onto it with all I have.
"Don't tear me down, what's left of me.
Make my heart a better place...make my heart a better place..."

His ashes came today.
And my heart is breaking all over again.
Watson.

Brave

Dear Scotty,
You are such an amazing (and handsome) young man.
I know it's just how October falls on the calendar, but you have to go through your birthday first.
And you do it so well.
You are a man of few words, but she loved that about you; the strong, silent, ever knowing type.
I love you kid, I could never ask for a more amazing and wonderful brother.
Happy Birthday, you are growing up into a fine man, she's so proud of you, you know.
And so am I.

10-25-1992>> One of the best days of my life.

You'll be there with me.

Today, I went to the Oregon Coast.
Watson was right there with me.
My little shadow, just protecting, just loving. Me. He was there with me today, he always will be.

"Hey soul sister!"

Just walking in this shell of a body.
Unsure of things now. Confidence lacking.
Emotions tied to music, not feeling, not caring.
Sad, angry, alone, depressed.
Without a mom. Without a loyal canine.
Just living until I can't anymore.
But, still refusing to give up.

Little westipoo...I'm lonely.
There are crumbs from my saltine crackers you need to nibble on.
Homework is much more daunting without you snuggled up against me.
I am more envious then happy for the people I see holding their dogs tight.
I still can't think about you without being sad.
Wattybah, I love you little man.

He'll greet me when I get There...

I had really hoped a miracle would happen. But Watson...is gone. God, you have really taken him Home haven't you? My heart is breaking all over again. There is truly no pain like the pain you feel when you lose someone you love and care about so deeply. I will continue to praise you anyway Lord. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sending him to me. I will treasure every memory. Thank you Watty. I love you so much.

WATSON!! :'(

This morning when I woke up my west highland white terrier was being extra lovey. More kisses, more tail wagging, more snuggles and love. We had breakfast together, we sat and read together. Then he wanted to go outside like always. I opened the door, he ran out, poked his little head back in and looked at me. I smiled. And that was the last time I saw my Watson alive.
My westie was hit by a car today...

DENNIS!!

I haven't seen this friend of mine in 6 years. I'm SO glad he's here for a visit. I've missed him so much. He was the german exchange student that our neighbors down the street were the host family for, and he also went to HHS, and of course we clicked and became really good friends. Unfortunately, he and his host family wanted him to stay here in the USA. And it looked like it was going to happen. Until his mother interfered. And I never saw him again. Until NOW!

Dennis, he's been missed. Because he's part of my family too. (:

I'm sorry mom.

Today was amazing.

I have a long road ahead.

But it will all work out.

Because anything and everything is possible with God.