A new year. A new end.

Today is December 31, 2008. The last day of the old year.
I remember that on this day last year, my mama said,
"Don't worry sweet heart, 2008 will be a great year."
But if that's the case then, why did she die?
I dread the New Year, but I don't know how it can get any worse.
But it's not exactly getting any better either.
I don't know, I just don't want to lose anyone else that I love.

With a broken heart I say good bye to the old year.
And prepare to step into the new one, and the first one...of many.
Without my mom,
Hello 2009, I won't let you crush my spirit.
Cause you'll have to answer to my mama if you do.

Dearest cousin Lerin,

I love you dearly.
We have too much fun together. :)
You make me smile when my heart is hurting.
I love you cousin.

12-26-1987

Today, 21 years ago, I was born.
Today, 21 years ago, I was saved before I knew I needed to be.
Today, 21 years ago, my parents knew they would love me for the rest of my life.
And theirs.
Today, 21 years later, one of them is missing.
And today, I didn't think she'd be gone.
No more mama birthdays; homemade cake that people talk about for weeks after my party.
The amazing transformation of our house into a Christmas wonderland.
The tree lit and glowing in the night, the whole house looking like it came directly out of a Christmas catalog that would put even Martha Stuart to shame.

Happy Birthday to me? No, it doesn't feel like it.
Maybe next year will be a bit easier. Maybe.

Merry Christmas?

Christmas Prayer from Heaven
I see the countless Christmas trees
Around the world below,
With tiny lights, like heaven’s stars
Reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular!
Please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.

I know how much you miss me.
I see the pain inside your heart,
For I am spending Christmas
With Jesus, yet apart.

I can’t tell you of the splendor
Or the peace here in this place.
Can you just imagine Christmas
With our Savior, face to face?

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear,
But the sound of music can’t compare
With the Christmas choir up here.

I’ll ask Him to fight for your spirit
As I tell Him of your love,
So pray for one another
As you lift your eyes above.

Please let your heart be joyful
And let your spirit sing,
For I’m spending Christmas in heaven
And I’m walking with the King!

Aloha!!

The boys and I are heading out tomorrow.
MAUI!
See ya later, Merry Christmas!

Finally sold mom's van yesterday.
It was a really weird feeling watching someone else drive her car away.
Now there's only 3 cars in the driveway instead of 4.
-sigh-
It's just another reality check that she's gone.
Bye VANessa!

The way I see it.

I am REALLY tired of death!
I really thought the death of people I knew or loved or the loved ones of those I know and love would cease for awhile.
I was terribly mistaken.
And lets not forget that 2 of my favorite actors passed away this summer/fall too!
Oh Bernie Mac and Paul Newman, you guys totally kicked ass.
Today one of my dear friends lost her son quite suddenly. My heart aches for her. :(

Annette Klosterman
Ellie Painter a cute 3 year old I took care of last year that lost her battle to leukemia
Jeannie Anderson
Keith Luksan
Father & Son: Jack & John Store
The 'Dick's Camera' guy who always gave us kids hugs after Sunday school and our 1st Bibles
Richard McEachern
Sandy Montgomery
Jean Nolan who first start Goody Gumdrops in Old Burien
and Richard Dunn

That's way too many I know in the course of a year, and wouldn't ya know it, the one person I really want to talk to is number 3 on the list. Sad times, and so close to Christmas...and my stupid birthday.

Magic

Saw the Nutcracker today with Jana and Heather. YAY!
It becomes more magical and beautiful every time I see it.
And I know my mom was watchin' it right there with me. <3

At the edge...

the ocean waves rage on
like the beating of my broken heart
as it rushes and gushes in turmoil, searching,
but never getting past the shore
the ocean...
it's sea foam green like the color of your eyes
and I stand at it's edge asking it to take me too
but you won't let the waves grant me my wish
and there on the coast all I can do is watch
as the tide carries away my memories of you
i love you.
mom

A woman in Seattle gets trampled to death on Black Friday.
No one tries to help her.
People don't move so EMS can get to her in time.
Now they are being charger with man slaughter.

I worry for mankind.
lt saddens me.

One more.

Today, a friend of mine asked me: Do you ever wish you could bring your mom back for a day? What would you do?

That’s funny I was just talking about that today with my dad and brother. I would LOVE to have one more day with her. I would just want it to be me and her, sitting up on her bed staring out at the view of the water and talking to her and with her about EVERYTHING. I would take TONS of pictures with her, and video tape the 2 of us, and record her voice, that’s what you miss you know, their voice. I’d also just want time to nap, you know like when I was a child, just lay in her arms and have her run her fingers through my hair while I rest my head on her chest and listen to her heart beat, how I miss that sound. It’d be a great day, of course I’d be sure to let her know how much I love her and how much she does, and will always mean to me.
Oh, just one more day, one more day of just me and my mom, hearing her say "I love you baby." having her remember me, seeing her long golden hair, her shining emerald eyes, full of life again, feeling her worn, strong, artistic steady hands, hearing her voice and being wrapped in her safe, safe arms. I'd make her watch "ELF" with me too. Oh favorite movie. :)
Not having to have her slip away into a coma, but just slip away into a beautiful white light...not having her forget who I am, having my MOM back just one more time.
Christmas, how I loathe you, you son of a bitch. :P
I know if I ever got one more day with her, I'd just want another one, but for now, I'd take even a minute. Life without her is getting harder, not easier.

The Soul Search begins again

Dear mama,

Please be with me when, during, and as I reach my destination. I am leaving for Ellensburg for the first time since you've passed away and I will miss you whilst on my journey desperately. I remember the first time I drove to the 'Burg by myself, do you? You bought me chains for my tires that day, and drove in your van in front of me, showing me the way to the 405 entrance. I was so nervous, as you pulled over and pointed the way out to me I remember driving by you and waving hysterically and you waving back mouthing the words, "I love you!" it was so hard leaving you, all I wanted to do was look back, but I had the road to watch. Though spring had sprung, there was (of course) still snow on the pass and it was a bit hard, and a tad scary by myself, but then I noticed that I had a new voicemail, so of course I listened to it, and it was from you. I wish I had tried harder to hold onto it, who knew it would become so important now? But I will never forget the gist of it, "Hey kiddo, have a great and safe drive. Call me when you get there okay? You looked nervous, but you are one tough cookie, you had nothing but determination written all over your face. I'm so proud of you. Alright, I love you. Bye bye."

I love you too mom. 

More then you will ever know.

12-25-1992

Happy 16th Birthday Scotty!

I know our mom is SO proud of you.
And wishes she were here with you today.
I love you.

Dear Mama,

I miss you.

Change

I've always hated change. It drove my mama crazy, but I couldn't and can't stand when things I'm comfortable with, and the way I know how life is, suddenly changes. Like when I'd have to go to camp. Hated it. Coming home from camp. Hated it. Same with college, swim team, work, you get the point.

My mom dying? That's NOT a change I have come to terms with, nor do I think I ever will. I found strength and stability and comfort at church. These people are my 2nd family and I feel safe there. But today marked a very big change. Pastor Chris Twitman led his last sermon today. Saying good-bye to him and wishing him luck before he left for California was SO hard. I just can't believe it! He was such a big encouragement after the death of my mom, and I was just getting to know him, like really know him, and today I had to say good-bye. 

I don't understand any of these changes that I'm stuck going through, granted I do enjoy some change. Okay, maybe it's not the change part. No.

You know what the hard part is mama? Saying good-bye.

Good-bye Pastor Chris! We will miss you!

So this is how it's gonna be...

For the rest of my life.

What if I live to be 80? 

That's 60 years without you!!

Everyone says not to think about that.

But how can I not?

How can I not think about that when we both thought we'd have much more time together.

I don't want to live that long without you.

I want you to come back mama.

Please come back, just for a quick visit?

I love you!

Where are you mama?

No, I know where you are.

Doesn't mean I miss you any less however.

I miss you mom.

Your touch. Your hugs and kisses. Your advice. Your safe embrace when I need to cry. Your steady unwavering support in everything I do. Your steady, unconditional love. I miss your voice mama. I miss hearing you say, "I love you sweetie."

"Know that I'm with you. I'm with you all the time."

I know you are, you always will be, I just wished with all my heart and soul, you were here.

I love you mama, always and forever.

Crash & Burn: Grief seems never ending.

She passed away on July 22, 2008.

Too soon, too early, too young.

I do not understand God's plan, nor do I think I will ever.

Not in this lifetime anyways.

But life without my mom is just so hard. So lonely. So...not right.

I thought I was ready. We all thought we were ready.

The cancer...she needed to be set free. Free of the pain, and the suffering.

But once she slipped away, and the house has been quiet, and there are no more cookies backing in the oven after school, no more "just because I love you" gifts left in the morning, no more hugs, and no more "I love you"'s.

Because of all this, and knowing this will be my life till I join her again, I can't help but want to bow my head and cry.

Because no, I'm not ready for any of this.

Time will tell.

today was amazing.
I have not had a day so carefree, so moving, so 'it's-great-to-be-alive' kind of day since my mom died.
god it's so hard without my mom, and even harder when my number of friends has gone to 3/4's less then what i used to have, but. well, the ones that have been there for me through all of this...they're the ones that matter most. :)
it's so amazing to hear the words, "you're just like your mother."

The memorial service is tomorrow. I have worked hard on a slide show in her memory. All I've wanted to do is run into the living room, or the kitchen, or her studio, anywhere that she should be and show her my finished work. She would love it. I know it. It has y whole heart and soul and love and tears for my mom in it. And as I stand up in front of everyone who loves her, she's going to be right there cheering me on every step of the way. Like she always does.

mamabird.

Before my mama passed away she made me a promise. As she wiped the tears from my eyes she smiled and kissed my forehead. "My littlebird..." she whispered, "When I get to Heaven I will send you a feather. You will know it when you see it. This feather represents the many feathers in your set of wings that will be ready to fly on their own when I'm gone."
She sent it to me on Saturday. With the laughter of my family nearby and the rain softly falling onto the crystal blue lake, she sent it to me. She answered my prayer. She's alright.
It is definitely my feather. It's Caribbean blue. My favorite color since childhood. Yes, it's definitely from my mamabird.
And for now, if only for a little while, I am okay. I'm alright.

Drifting away...

My mama died today.

And part of me did too.

At the end.

The past 48 hours have been a whirlwind of emotion.
And still going.

My mom is really dying. She announced she needs us to let her go yesterday afternoon, and since then, waves and waves of people have and are coming to say their last good-byes

Good-bye.