One Month already?

I can't believe you've already been gone a whole month. It's so unfair. I love Mojo to pieces, but you were one of a kind Watson. I love you little man. Today I remember you. Till we meet again little guy. I love you westie! I love you.

When Death comes knocking...

Another life has been taken today while another life hangs on. A mother in shock. A sister whose life has just been shattered. A father trying to keep his remaining family members together.And friends and loved ones stuck feeling helpless. Speaking fro experience, both roles are incredibly horrible to have to go through.

[Edit: My Follow Up]
I can't even begin to imagine the horrible phone call or knock at your door and having an officer of the law tell you the tragic news that someone you love deeply, has been killed. I now know way too many who have experienced this horrible pain. And it gets me thinking. The way my mom died was a true blessing. I got to say goodbye and tell her how much I love her and that I'd miss her dearly. I got in plenty of hugs and kisses (though it's never truly enough) and when she let go, she was surrounded by family and friends with a smile on her face. It doesn't make the fact that she's gone any less unbearable, but we as humans care so uch about the ending. And I know now, that I am very, very lucky.

Still searching...

But someday, I'll find you.

It's a really great feeling when someone you admire has such a strong passion and faith for the Lord. I love how he shares the journey of his life and love for Jesus through music. I have spent most of this night immersing myself in his songs. Such great lyrics, I love words. Instruments. Tempos and duets. I love songs that grab and hold onto the different emotions. I love lyrics in the English language as well as Italian, French, and Japanese. I love nights like these, while the rain pours down outside and I am warm inside, with some Vanilla-Chai tea and music by Vic Mignogna.



Forgive and forget, that’s what they say. It’s good advice but it's not very practical. When someone hurts us we want to hurt them back. When someone wrongs us we want to be right. Without forgiveness old scores are never settled, old wounds never heal, and the most we can hope for is that one day we will be lucky enough to forget. And in life only one thing is certain; apart from death and taxes; no matter how hard you try, no matter how good your intentions, you're going to make mistakes. You're going to hurt people, you're going to get hurt, and if you ever want to recover there's really only one thing you can say. "I forgive you."

I love falling asleep to the quiet drops of rain outside my bedroom window. It is both peaceful and comforting. And cleansing.

Finding my Mojo

Mojo the mini schnauzer that is! My dad and I just got him from the Kitsap Humane Society yesterday and it was love at first sight for both of us. He's no Watson, but he's filling the hole in my heart that misses and longs for it's westie. I know both my mom and Watty want me to smile again and Mojo has caused me to do just that. :)

The time to start is now. (So DO something!!)

I run and run a thousand miles. And now I'm barely breathing. Only the fuel of a "passioned" heart, keeps this body strong and moving forward. But could it be I've found a place to rest, how far until I'm okay? Trees of the town reveal the time has come; once again to shift our shade and colors. The world always changes around us, but weakness will always remain. Through all the pain. Believe in; who we are right here and now. Raise one hand to the sky lift them both raise them high!- and you'll cut through the darkness, make it it go! The time to start is now. And I can show you how. Start with me and the world will be even bigger then ever before.

Ah, what a good pick-me-up considering the last few days have been very down. Hello world, I'm back!

Warning: Topic is upsetting.

Rather then humankind, it should be humanUNkind. I have been working with 'VideoVounteers' outreach for Animals on YouTube (by the way, we are now also outreaching to those who are in need of food and shelter...World Hunger. Yes! Support!) and I just happened to watch what I thought was another 'tear jerker' video about awareness on animal abuse. There was no graphic warning in the description. What I just witnessed tonight was one of the most heartbreaking things I have ever seen. Not to mention it caused me to puke (and I closed my eyes and fast forwarded too, but trust me, it wasn't too hard to figure out what was happening.)
WARNING! Please do NOT continue reading if you do not to hear about gore. WARNING!
I view animals like I do children. Seriously. to me, they have this in common;they are both defenseless and innocent. They are harmed at the hands of stupid adults with no way to really defend themselves, and no real understanding of why these things are happening to them. SICK! A dog being beaten because kids find it humorous and then being killed by authorities because it attacked the stupid shits. Another dog being starved to death because it's a form of art. For four days this creature is tied to a post, starved of food and water while local "artists" admire the "artwork" until it dies. A kitten...a KITTEN, an adorable little life who just wants to be loved is decapitated while it is still alive. And the sickos who catch these horrific events on film just watch and do nothing. This America, is NOT OKAY!! I know it's horrifying to even think about, but it's the cold hard truth people. And there are children around the world that are experiencing horrific torture like this too. It's heartbreaking!! It's cruel! It's disgusting!! And it brings tears to my eyes for I know what I witnessed tonight will stick with me for a long time. But if we all just turn the other way... hello! That doesn't solve anything people. Wake up America, it's a cruel world I know, but that doesn't mean we can't at least make a difference in one life!
"I must ask, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?" asked the somewhat startled wise man. To this, the little boy replied, "The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don't throw them in, they'll die." Upon hearing this, the wise man commented, "But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can't possibly make a difference!" Discouraged he began to walk away. Suddenly the little boy bent down, picked up yet another starfish, and threw it into the ocean. As it met the water, he said, "It made a difference for that one."
I love animals. Cats, dogs, birds, guinea pigs, turtles, elephants, seals, you name it. God, love the dear animals and children who are being mistreated, beaten, starved, neglected. When their lives are taken meet them at the gate and take their pain and suffering away and love them. Do not let the wicked and the sinful win. I am one person, but I can make a difference. And I will. May at least one life be better by me.

Rant

I seriously HATE being the only girl. I hate it that my mom is gone. I hate that I'm stuck living with 2 guys who pretty much have the 'whatever' attitude. I hate that I worry about them more then they know or care. I hate that one and I are always bickering about the dumbest shit and the other one could care less that I'm here or not. I just hate my life without my mom. I really hate life without my Watson. I've gotten used to nights like these where I'm sick and tired of the family situation I'm in and not have my mom here...sort of. Up until a couple weeks ago, I could just go into my room, close my door, collapse on my bed and get showered by kisses. Whether I was right or wrong; Watson loved me. Now I'm just stuck sitting here in my room by myself in the dark, wishing my unconditional kisses would come. But they won't come. Never again. I HATE this,

Good conversations.

Today as I walked along the marina after visiting with good friends, I passed 2 young boys. This was their conversation,
Boy 1: "Your mom lied to you. We don't see our pets in Heaven."
Boy 2: "So I won't see my kitty...again?"
Boy 1: "Nope."
Insert tears from Boy 2. Stupid kids. Stupid humans, why are we all so mean to one another? However, there is hope. And tonight, the hope I needed came in the form of my dad. I told him of this conversation I overheard and what he said next was like my mom was herself was sitting in the room. And note; my dad's faith in the Lord has been very rocky. Lets face it, he has every right for that. [I cannot imagine losing the love of my life to a killer (cancer) I could not protect them from. So my dad has been truly amazing.]
"They say that when we get to Heaven; people will know more happiness then they ever knew here on earth. And pets make us happy. So, there is no reason, our pets won't be there to greet us when we get there."
Isn't my dad cool? Those words were just what I needed, the fact that the words just came so freely. Do you remember when you were a child and everything your parents did and said was amazing to you? That was my experience tonight. What a great moment. I love my dad.

Let it heal

I am usually the last person whose a fan of Halloween. I do not like violence, horror, gore, I don't like scary movies' I hate them. I have the artistic mind that can't shake things easily. I usually hate the cold damp night that Halloween is up here in Seattle. The carved pumpkins are already getting mushy, and it's so cold the trick-or-treaters have to wear jackets over their costumes and that spoils the fun. But today has been gorgeous. Golden actually. The sun came out and people were happy. I saw a westie today on a walk with his owner. So cute. So happy, waddling around with his little head and tail held high, and the girl walking him and sometimes just carrying simply because of the obvious love she has for her dog. And I silently watched them walk by right as they both happened to look at one another. And there it was. Nothing. But. Love. Oh the girl and her westie; there's no friendship like it.

And the heart heals.

A little bit of therapy goes a long way...

'Retail Therapy' that is.
Mom loved it. Dad hates it. I enjoy it. The sound of plastic and the 'cha-ching' of the register. Two sounds I like to hear. Don't hate. Don't judge. Everyone has some sort of guilty pleasure. I am [obviously] no exception. To each their own, when you are grieving just try to do something that makes you happy.

Nothing in my life seems to be going the right way. Which, in reality is bull crap, because I actually have quite a lot going for me. I know this. I've been told this. I've also been told to stop having this 'pity party' and that make my blood boil. I'm only human, we are all that way to some extent. But, I know in my heart of hearts, that I should.
"I'm here on the edge again, I wish I could let it go..."

I know when I am in trouble, when I am hurting, when I am afraid and feel like my world is crashing down on me-turn to God. He is the way, the truth and the light. He gives and takes away and loves us unconditionally, even when we do not love Him. But boy, does He ever take away. I must say I truly hate Him right now. Losing Watson opened up the [once] healing wound from the loss of my mama, and I feel the pain and dispair all over again. I hate Him. I do, but yet, I really need Him.
"All my agony fades away, when you hold me in your embrace..."

I have learned that the world is just truly cruel and evil. And it feels like I'm drowning, I'm suffering. Like there's no way out. I mean, how unfair is it that someone can be so hurt, lose so much, have so much loss in their life and look out their window and see that the rest of the worls has kept going.
"Don't tear me down, for all I need.
Make my heart a better place.
Give me something I can believe.
Don't tear it down, what's left of me.
Make my heart a better place..."

The world does not care that you hurt. People may not care that you hurt. But know this, no one is ever alone. I know this, I cherish it, and I hold onto it with all I have.
"Don't tear me down, what's left of me.
Make my heart a better place...make my heart a better place..."

His ashes came today.
And my heart is breaking all over again.
Watson.

Brave

Dear Scotty,
You are such an amazing (and handsome) young man.
I know it's just how October falls on the calendar, but you have to go through your birthday first.
And you do it so well.
You are a man of few words, but she loved that about you; the strong, silent, ever knowing type.
I love you kid, I could never ask for a more amazing and wonderful brother.
Happy Birthday, you are growing up into a fine man, she's so proud of you, you know.
And so am I.

10-25-1992>> One of the best days of my life.

You'll be there with me.

Today, I went to the Oregon Coast.
Watson was right there with me.
My little shadow, just protecting, just loving. Me. He was there with me today, he always will be.

"Hey soul sister!"

Just walking in this shell of a body.
Unsure of things now. Confidence lacking.
Emotions tied to music, not feeling, not caring.
Sad, angry, alone, depressed.
Without a mom. Without a loyal canine.
Just living until I can't anymore.
But, still refusing to give up.

Little westipoo...I'm lonely.
There are crumbs from my saltine crackers you need to nibble on.
Homework is much more daunting without you snuggled up against me.
I am more envious then happy for the people I see holding their dogs tight.
I still can't think about you without being sad.
Wattybah, I love you little man.

He'll greet me when I get There...

I had really hoped a miracle would happen. But Watson...is gone. God, you have really taken him Home haven't you? My heart is breaking all over again. There is truly no pain like the pain you feel when you lose someone you love and care about so deeply. I will continue to praise you anyway Lord. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sending him to me. I will treasure every memory. Thank you Watty. I love you so much.

WATSON!! :'(

This morning when I woke up my west highland white terrier was being extra lovey. More kisses, more tail wagging, more snuggles and love. We had breakfast together, we sat and read together. Then he wanted to go outside like always. I opened the door, he ran out, poked his little head back in and looked at me. I smiled. And that was the last time I saw my Watson alive.
My westie was hit by a car today...

DENNIS!!

I haven't seen this friend of mine in 6 years. I'm SO glad he's here for a visit. I've missed him so much. He was the german exchange student that our neighbors down the street were the host family for, and he also went to HHS, and of course we clicked and became really good friends. Unfortunately, he and his host family wanted him to stay here in the USA. And it looked like it was going to happen. Until his mother interfered. And I never saw him again. Until NOW!

Dennis, he's been missed. Because he's part of my family too. (:

I'm sorry mom.

Today was amazing.

I have a long road ahead.

But it will all work out.

Because anything and everything is possible with God.